Not the Wine Guy

By: Guest Columnist Vinous M For this April 1, I thought it would be appropriate to review some more very special wines I’ve tasted.  I have worked long and hard at this particular group and have even borrowed a few descriptions of other wine writers whose work I admire.  I know some may think it’s all whiffing, sniffing and guzzling.  But believe me, it can be very hard work.  Especially with these particular bottles!Die Herring Gestalt Under Loosen Bridgen Liebfraumilch, 2016. alc. 19% $4.00 Made by actual blue nuns in sea caves protected by wild otters. Full bodied with a hint of wet sand. Agile clam flavors with a suspicion of red Kryptonite. Great with roadkill or clam chowder. Rossamatto Moscatto, 1999 alc. 8% $12.00. I bought this wine from some underage teens in the 99 parking lot. This Moscatto is a pretentious yet sensitive wine with a hint of snozzberry. Best served with officials at the Wimbledon Championships.

Hunka Chunka Barrel Fermented Chardonnay, 2009, alc. 14% $22.00 Guaranteed to get you suburban Mom drunk.  Pairs well with Nabisco 100 – calorie packs and embarrassing your daughter in front of her friends, if they ever put down their cell phones. Also pairs well with unemployment.

Mick Jagger Vineyards Merlot.  2000, alc. 22%, $4,000 Doing an ancient death ritual but don’t have the blood of your enemies?  Dip your demon knife blade into this merlot instead.  So powerful, even Satan won’t know the difference. Pairs well with finally signing those divorce papers.  Great with sugary sheet cakes and 1st dates.

Straight From the Right Hand of God, Malbec. 2001 alc.19.5%, $45.00, Not sure about the taste.  But the broken bottle worked well to keep deadly Night Orcs out of my house as they tried to stealing my gold. Gave this to the goats in the lot next to Café Viana.  They loved it and gave it 5 stars.  Pairs well with head butts, weeds and brown grass.

Our regular columnist M. Stefan is on vacation, slugging down loads of high end, too expensive for the rest of us, wine.  Our guest columnist Vinous M has years (actually a few hours) of experience critically analyzing the finer things in life.  So we thought we would give him a try.  After our editor showed him which end of a bottle to open and how to use a screwcap, we turned him loose.  Loving adorations can be sent to: