Bad News is Good News in Panama
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(thepanamareport.com) Somewhere in the early nineties my town experienced a bank robbery in which the rifle-wielding suspects were running around loose for like twenty minutes. They eventually took up hiding their loot in a small hair salon on the corner of Witherspoon Street before being talked out of it and into handcuffs by the antsy town sheriff.
In the process, one of the men was shot and wounded, arguably the only bullet to hit a criminal in Princeton's bureau that year. And roughly ten years old at the time, uninterested in school or athletics or music, I watched the scenario unfold from the comfort of our living room and remember vividly thinking that this was something I could get into.
With the exception of that bank robbery and a mysterious murder that took place twenty years prior, Princeton was a safe place to grow up. As long as you weren't messing with the school bully or taunting the neighbors Doberman, you were out of harms way. And because of this, my only real window into the life of the treacherous came through cable TV where I'd sit and watch shows like Unsolved Mysteries, Rescue 911, and COPS as if I was researching intensely for a movie role.
"OK so they found her bloodied cell phone in the glove compartment," I'd murmur to myself. "That probably means..." I'd stare at the notepad where I jotted down my notes. "That probably means she was going somewhere cold."
Seeing as though I hadn't really embraced any hobby or leisure pursuit as my own, my parents embraced my love for crime by buying me mystery novels and documentary videotapes in which shadowy recreations of crime scenes seemed to peak my interest even more. And when a field trip took our class to the township police station where they locked up real dirty felons, I remember feeling, almost like seeing a beautiful woman, as though I was in love for the first time.
One entertaining facet of life in the Republic of Panama is mistaking reports from Panama City, Florida to be local news. While the two cities have very little in common, they are divided perhaps most by their news reports which can be confusing to the first timer, yet enticing to someone like me. Not all of the news is crime, but it certainly all seems like an equally guilty pleasure.
GIRLS GONE WILD FOUNDER TO FACE LAWSUIT IN PANAMA CITY read one of the headlines not too long ago. I gasped for air thinking this would finally be my first chance to meet my modern day hero, and was half way through an introduction note offering my chauffer services when I realized it was Panama City, Florida they were referring to, not Panama City, Panama. It was like getting a present for Hanukkah then having it taken away from me.
KIDNAPPING SUSPECTS LOOSE IN PANAMA CITY! Now this was the kind of entertainment I grew up fantasizing about. "Wanted by the state of Virginia for stealing a 15 year-old boy, could be armed and dangerous." I went to school in Virginia! I thought to myself. Why, we should have some sort of reunion for Virginians in Panama, perhaps share some memories of Richmond Raceway! Now if I could just get a hold of them...
It was about a year into my time in Panama that I realized not all bad news is good news. HURRICANE TO POUND PANAMA CITY WITH FLOODS AND TWISTERS read one article I recall, which threw my obsession with being in the heart of the action for a real loop. The kidnappers and hardened rapists on the loose I could deal with, but if the roof above my head was in danger, I would be happy to sit this one out.
The amount of news headlines for Panama City, Florida that are accidentally picked up by feeds and crawlers for Panama City, Panama are quite amusing. They allow me, if just for a moment, to believe I'm living in a truly perilous place where kidnappers and hurricane twisters and men who are able to convince college girls to take off their shirts are simply allowed to roam free. I sit back with a bowl of popcorn and watch the headlines come pouring in, just as I had the day of the bank robbery in Princeton hoping maybe, just maybe I might be able to see a real story unwind once again.
